The ABCs of Elian's Predicament

The Washington Post
January 23, 2000

The ABCs of Elian's Predicament

By Jeff Balch

Sunday, January 23, 2000; Page B05

What should happen to Elian Gonzalez, the 6-year-old Cuban boat boy?
Everyone seems to have an opinion. Who's right? Take the quiz!

                  1. THE IMMIGRATION AND NATURALIZATION SERVICE. After
                  mulling it over for six weeks, INS officials said that he belongs with his
                  surviving parent--his father in Cuba. They should have:

a) decided within two days that Elian belongs with his father

b) taken as much time as needed to put the question to Florida voters in a
special referendum

c) mulled it over for 12 years, by which time Elian would have reached
maturity

                  2. PRESIDENT CLINTON. He said Elian's case, being of an international
                  nature, should be decided by the INS--and that politics should play no role
                  in settling the issue. The president:

a) was right, and should meet personally with Elian at Disney World to hug
him and tenderly explain the rationale for his repatriation

                  b) was right, and should meet personally with Fidel Castro at Disney
                  World to hug him and tenderly explain the rationale for our continued
                  unilateral embargo

                  c) was right, but should meet with Sylvia Iriondo, fiery spokeswoman for
                  the Cuban American protesters. A hug would be nice, but only if his
                  pollsters approve

                  3. ATTORNEY GENERAL JANET RENO. She asserted that the INS
                  decision was correct and that a state court judge in Florida, who had
                  granted temporary custody of Elian to his great-uncle, had no jurisdiction.
                  The attorney general:

a) cannot understand Elian's needs until she has a child of her own

b) made the right call, assuming she's in touch with the Pentagon regarding
National Guard backup

c) should appoint an independent counsel, damn it!

                  4. VICE PRESIDENT GORE. He broke with the Clinton administration,
                  arguing that the INS lacked the expertise to decide the case and that it
                  properly belonged in the courts. He should:

a) adopt Elian, bring him along on the campaign trail and challenge Bill
Bradley to adopt a Cuban boy, too

b) instruct his motorcade to drive around Nashville blocking traffic

c) make citizenship for Elian a litmus test for prospective Supreme Court
justices

                  5. REP. DAN BURTON (R-IND.). He subpoenaed Elian to appear
                  before his House Government Reform Committee, in order to delay
                  compliance with an INS decision he judged to be rushed. His appropriate
                  next step would be to:

a) introduce a bill to terminate funding for the INS and, at the same time,
the rest of the executive branch

                  b) introduce a bill to triple INS funding, enabling the department to
                  purchase inner tubes and life jackets and sell them at a discount in the
                  Florida Straits

c) subpoena Elian's mother in a crafty bid for further delay

                  6. SEN. BOB SMITH (R-N.H.). After meeting with Elian, he announced
                  that the 6-year-old boy preferred the United States to Cuba and that the
                  INS had failed to consider the boy's father's alleged consent to his
                  ex-wife's plan to defect with their son. He vowed to do anything in his
                  power to keep Elian in the United States. He now should:

a) introduce a bill to provide Secret Service protection for the boy's father
in the event that Smith's allegation about him is publicized in Cuba

b) spend a sabbatical year teaching constitutional law to first-graders

c) come to my house and vigorously defend my 8-month-old daughter's
preference for sweet potato over beets

                  7. ELIZABET BROTON RODRIGUEZ, ELIAN'S MOTHER. She took
                  him with her in a rickety boat that foundered, but helped him survive. She
                  acted:

a) bravely, but should have left Elian with his father when the boat had to
return to the Cuban shore for repairs

b) presciently, somehow foreseeing the possibility that Elian's
grandmothers would soon be making the journey from Cuba themselves

c) recklessly, neglecting to file a will with the INS delegating Elian's
guardianship to Sen. Bob Smith

                  8. JUAN MIGUEL GONZALEZ, ELIAN'S FATHER. He has asserted
                  custody rights but has refused so far to leave his wife and infant son and
                  come to the United States--perhaps because he is not free to leave Cuba,
                  perhaps because he fears he would be trapped here until the case is over.
                  He:

a) should contact Burton's office and request that his wife and baby be
subpoenaed, too

b) fails to grasp that Elian's need to grieve is best fulfilled during Disney
World tours and photo-ops with caring politicians

c) cannot, as a member of Cuba's Communist Party, truly love Elian

                  9. MIAMI-DADE CIRCUIT COURT JUDGE ROSA RODRIGUEZ.
                  She determined that she had limited jurisdiction over Elian's case. She
                  should:

a) attend Sen. Bob Smith's class on constitutional law

10. CUBAN PRESIDENT FIDEL CASTRO. He has harshly criticized
the U.S. government's handling of Elian's case. He is:

a) intolerant of political dissent in his own country, but correct on this issue

b) grandstanding, but correct on this issue

c) ambivalent about the case and its repercussions, but hoping Elian will
pick up some spare parts for a '57 Chevy before he returns

Jeff Balch, a freelance writer who lives outside Chicago, never did well on
multiple choice tests in school.