By AMY DRISCOLL

 The grandmothers' request that they meet with Elian Gonzalez in a so-called
 neutral setting is a fairly common one in child custody fights, family law attorneys
 said Tuesday, and usually is agreed on in court.

 ''Whenever there's potential for family dysfunction, no matter what kind, a neutral
 site is generally considered best,'' said Richard Milstein, a Miami attorney who
 specializes in family law.

 And child psychologists say the selection of a neutral setting -- a place where the
 child can meet comfortably with a parent or relative despite the family rift -- may
 be particularly important in the case of Elian, who was plucked from the sea
 Thanksgiving Day after his mother and 10 other people drowned in an effort to
 reach Florida. He hasn't seen any of his family from Cuba since.

 ''To reestablish face-to-face contact with the family he's known since birth is an
 important thing for this kid,'' said Dr. Alan Delamater, professor of pediatrics and
 psychology at the University of Miami. ''He's been with a strange family all this
 time. Separation from family is an important issue that's being overlooked.''

 Usually, visitation agreements are hammered out in mediation or before a judge
 and are from time to time the subject of acrimony between the competing parties.

 BITTER FIGHT

 But the fight for two hours alone with Elian has been particularly bitter and
 complicated since the case crosses international boundaries and political
 minefields, leaving legal scholars shaking their heads.

 ''Everything is topsy-turvy in this case,'' said UM law professor Bernard
 Perlmutter. ''There is widespread confusion about the legal standards applicable in
 this case.''

 So complex is the situation that on Tuesday it forced the U.S. Immigration and
 Naturalization Service into the family-law business. After a standoff on Monday --
 the grandmothers refusing to visit the boy in his Miami relatives' home and the
 relatives balking at any other location -- the INS ordered a visit on neutral territory.

 The visit is set for the gated Miami Beach home of Sister Jeanne O'Laughlin,
 president of Barry University. Family law attorneys said the home offers the one
 thing Elian needs most for a visit with his grandmothers: privacy.

 ''You want to look for a place that's comfortable for the child and a place where
 the grandmothers can have meaningful contact, without having every move
 watched by crowds of people,'' said Ana Martin-Lavielle, a family law attorney.

 In some visitation cases, the children meet their relatives in a supervised
 playroom in the Miami-Dade courthouse, or in a park or a restaurant, she said.

 PRECIOUS PRIVACY

 ''In this case,'' she said, ''that would be way too public and too visible.''

 Laura Fabar, a lawyer for Elian's Miami relatives, said the family believed the
 home of Elian's great uncle, Lazaro Gonzalez, would be the most comfortable
 place for the boy.

 ''When the family heard the grandmothers were coming, their initial reaction was
 just, 'We'll invite them to the house and have a meal with them.' It's the most
 natural thing in the world,'' she said. ''Where else could they go? A restaurant?
 They would have been followed by the press.''

 Family law attorneys say the home would not have been suitable if the
 grandmothers felt threatened or intimidated and were unable to relax during their
 visit with their grandson.

 UM's Perlmutter said the grandmothers, bearing the power of attorney from Elian's
 father in Cuba, had a strong legal case to visit their grandson.

 ''The rights of the father are crystal clear under the law -- and if he gave his
 blessing for the grandparents to visit, then they should be allowed, no question.''

 'TENUOUS STANDING'

 Arguably, he added, the grandparents may have a greater right to see the boy
 than his great-uncle, who was granted temporary custody by Miami-Dade Circuit
 Court Judge Rosa Rodriguez in a ruling that the INS has refused to recognize.

 Usually, Perlmutter said, visitation battles are fought between parents. ''But in this
 case, the center has shifted to the extended family, and they have a very tenuous
 standing under the law.''

 For Elian, all of the legal strategies and international pressure comes down to a
 simple desire. He wants to see his grandmothers.

 ''His relationship to his grandmothers is an important, stabilizing force in a life that
 must seem awfully tenuous to him right now,'' said psychologist Delamater. ''He's
 been transformed into a child celebrity, a symbol for all of this yearning and anger
 of the exile community. But this boy needs to be a child. He needs to be
 somebody's grandchild.''

                     Copyright 2000 Miami Herald