BY CAROL ROSENBERG

 WASHINGTON -- U.S. officials decided to take a tough stand to force
 Wednesday's meeting between Elian Gonzalez and his grandmothers because
 mediation had broken down and they were outraged by reports that the boy's
 Miami relatives had told him his grandmothers were coming to dinner on Monday
 night -- even though they had been told 24 hours earlier that no such dinner would
 take place.

 ''How cruel is that?'' said one official. Another called it a ''sham family dinner.''

 ''The level of obstinacy that they were putting forward was unacceptable, just
 unacceptable,'' said a Clinton administration official, defending a tough letter that
 the Immigration and Naturalization Service sent to lawyers for Elian's great-uncle
 Lazaro Gonzalez on Tuesday that ordered the meeting with the grandmothers.

 Justice Department lawyers were so concerned that the Miami relatives would not
 deliver Elian to the meeting Wednesday that they were prepared to seek an
 emergency hearing in a Miami federal court Wednesday morning, government
 sources said. The attorneys would have asked that the family be declared in
 contempt of a lawful federal order.

 DINNER PLANS

 An attorney for Lazaro Gonzalez defended the Miami family's actions. Roger
 Bernstein said Lazaro had always maintained that his Little Havana house was
 the best place for a meeting. He said the family had to tell Elian of the possibility
 his grandmothers would arrive, even though the visit was not certain, because the
 boy had heard the news broadcast on Spanish-language television.

 ''We never conclusively knew they were coming to dinner,'' Bernstein said. ''We
 believed once they got on the plane that was the best likelihood that they would
 show up for dinner -- because there was nothing else on the [negotiating] table.''

 INS spokeswoman Maria Cardona said, however, that government lawyers had
 told Lazaro's attorneys by 4:30 p.m. Sunday -- both by phone and in a formal
 faxed letter -- that the grandmothers would not meet Elian at Lazaro's home and
 they were seeking a ''private, neutral location.''

 Attorneys on both sides then proposed several locations, a church, other relatives'
 homes, a religious retreat -- but the family refused all.

 But the grandmothers departed for Miami from New York anyway, a decision
 apparently made by their National Council of Churches hosts to break the
 deadlock on a meeting spot.

 A Justice Department official said the New York departure was a surprise in
 Washington, and had the reverse result. Once the grandmothers were airborne,
 Bernstein said Lazaro flatly refused any other meeting place but his house.

 ''Once they got on the plane it was an untenable situation for us,'' Bernstein said.

 The grandmothers were equally adamant. ''They wanted it in the house with a lot
 of people and a party,'' said paternal grandmother Mariela Quintana. ''I'm not up for
 a party. I just want to talk to my grandson alone, and they wouldn't let us.''

 Added Raquel Rodriguez: ''I will never go to that house.''

 PERSONAL PLEDGE

 Immigration service spokeswoman Cardona said that both INS Commissioner
 Doris Meissner and Attorney General Janet Reno were determined after Monday's
 refusal to establish a mechanism to enable a private meeting between Elian and
 his grandmothers.

 Why? ''For the sake of the boy,'' and because the Clinton administration officials
 had personally pledged to the women that Reno would arrange it after a meeting
 at Reno's office on Saturday.

 The government's order setting up the meeting marked the first time that U.S.
 officials had shown themselves willing to exercise active authority to intervene in
 the case, and hints at how the government might try to enforce a final decision to
 return Elian to Cuba.

 In the past, INS Commissioner Meissner had recommended only that the family
 decide among themselves by Jan. 14 on how to return the child to his father, Juan
 Miguel Gonzalez in Cuba. Then, after a Florida family court awarded temporary
 custody to Lazaro, Attorney General Reno withdrew the deadline, saying the
 Florida court had no jurisdiction but that she would welcome a federal court
 challenge.

 But Tuesday's letter for the first time told the family that Elian's immigration
 parole, which allows him to remain in the United States, would be at risk if the
 family didn't comply.

 If U.S. District Judge William M. Hoeveler supports the government's argument
 that the INS is correct in refusing the child a political asylum hearing, officials are
 considering issuing the family another letter with a new deadline for Elian's return.

 If the family does not comply, government attorneys could then seek a court order
 to either withdraw Elian's parole or punish the great-uncle for refusing to comply,
 or both.

                     Copyright 2000 Miami Herald